#119: The Try Softer Guided Journey (with Aundi Kolber)

By popular demand, Aundi Kolber returns to The Puddcast this week. Aundi and I discuss the success and impact of Try Softer, the brand new Try Softer Guided Journey companion book, and we riff at length on Jesus’ relationship to traumatic events. Expect to learn more about how you process pain and shift into the shame-free life that God has designed you for.

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Check out the B-Side!

Once you’ve listened to this, make sure to check out the raw and uncut B-Side interview where my friends and I unpack the conversation in even more detail. Available exclusively on Patreon.

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Transcription

 Aundi Kolber  00:00

Either way, those of us who experienced trauma, there is no shame either. And even when our bodies can't tap into the resources, to move through the pain, that there is nothing... it's not a lack of faith. And I mean, I know you would agree with this, but it's like, it's not a lack of faith. It's not a lack of not like doing enough or being prepared enough, there are some things that are just too much. And it's actually the grace of God, it is the grace of God, that we have trauma responses, because it allows us to move through that in a way that at least that protects some parts of our psyche. So we don't have to constantly be touching that pain.

Jonathan Puddle  00:50

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to The Puddcast. This is Episode 119. And we have had a long hiatus, haven't we? Finished off in the spring with the one and only Christine Caine, and then I needed a break, you know what I'm saying? Some of that COVID survival. Well, we got into a new school year and my wife and I, we, we took a child through the foster care system. We've talked a little bit about this on the show before we were approved as a foster family some time ago. But our first little young lady came to live with us in August. And so that has been another whole thing for us that we've been getting used to and figuring out new rhythms of life and rhythms of workflow for me big time, which is a big part of the reason that The Puddcast has taken some time to come back. But we are back. And we'll be back next week. And we've got a bunch of exciting episodes in the can. New people to introduce you to, old friends welcoming back, it's going to be an exciting next little bit. But anyway, this week is so thrilled I'm so so excited to bring back Aundi Kolber. She is the author of Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode, and into a Life of Connection and Joy, I suggest she should be winning a prize for a very long subtitle. But there is a brand new companion to this coming out, The Try Softer, actually I think it's out now already, The Try Softer Guided Journey: A Soulful Companion to Healing. And so that is what we talk about today, among many other things, lots of Jesus + trauma discussions because my head is still living in that space. Well, well, well, I'm glad that you are here. Once you've had to listen to this, head over to patreon.com/JonathanPuddle and sign up to join my patreon so that you can listen to the B-Side. Every episode I record a B-Side with with a friend, my wife, various other folks, and we kind of unpack these episodes in greater behind-the-scenes detail. So you can jump on there for $3 a month or more. And hear what I'm really thinking. Alright, enough for me. Let's get into the episode. Okay, friends, this is so great. I'm so thrilled to have my good friend Aundi Kolber back on the air. It's been I just looked two years since you came on The Puddcast. I think it was like my 48th episode. And you taught me things that have changed the course of my life in inestimable ways. Like, I imagine people tell you that like, "Oh, I read your book, it changed my life." But like, I wrote my book, partly because of things you taught me. And now now I get people like, "Oh, I heard about Aundi Kolber through you." And I'm like, Yes, I can, I can repay in some small way. But I'm so glad to welcome you back to the show.

Aundi Kolber  04:09

Well, it's so good to be back. I can both believe and not believe that it's been two years because I feel like we've lived at least a decade in those two years. Um, but gosh, it is an honor to hear that. And, you know, I think it doesn't get old to hear that something you've done or participated in, has changed, you know, somebody's life. Like that is I think the deepest honor of the work here. And I and I'm sure you're getting that too because your book was is such a resource and, you know, so it's so cool to be able to write the foreword for you and, um, but really like it just it means a lot. So thanks for telling me.

Jonathan Puddle  04:56

Hahaha, good. Well, yes. I am excited to get  my hands on on the Try Softer Journey for a minimum of two reasons: 1. Because I want, I'm ready to go back through it. And so time has passed and I'm ready to like, go back through it and 2. To receive inspiration and ideas that I would potentially ask you permission to lovingly borrow, when I eventually get round to writing the study guide for my book, which you know, was one of those things that was going to happen and was going to happen and was going to happen. But instead, like all of us, we were looking after children, some children being our inner parts, and some of those children being actual flesh and blood.

Aundi Kolber  05:43

Totally. All true statements. Yes.

Jonathan Puddle  05:46

Okay, so I want to hear about that, I want to hear all about the workbook. But first, I want, I'd love to hear a little bit about just what it's been like, as like a first time published author, to have a book legitimately blow up. Right? Like, I have. So just for OK, for, in case you don't understand the industry, and you're listening to this. I have sold, to date, in just about one year, 2000 copies of my self published devotional, and that is incredible. That's not tooting my own horn.

Aundi Kolber  06:21

That's awesome!

Jonathan Puddle  06:22

That is really high numbers for the Christian book industry. I have friends at multiple big publishing houses who tell me, "Jonathan, don't tell anybody this. But I have books that are not selling as well as yours." And from the major publishers case, OK? So get 2000 in your mind, for a year. That's a really big number for a Christian book. How many have you sold, Aundi?

Aundi Kolber  06:49

I think and it's been a couple months, since I've, like seen the numbers, but I think it's somewhere in the neighborhood of like, 45,000

Jonathan Puddle  06:56

It's bonkers. I love it.

Aundi Kolber  06:57

With all the various things. You know, it has been... First, congrats on that, because that is a big deal. And I think it's worth celebrating. I mean, I think you put a lot into that, and it matters. Um, and thank you for celebrating me. It has, it is absolutely been the grace of God, the kindness of God, in the sense that, like I had, I truly had no idea that it would, that Try Softer would resonate with folks, the weights that it has. Like I, I hoped, you know? And you know, you kind of have like your wildest dreams of like, maybe this person will like to share it somehow. And, you know, like this really random way that maybe somehow... And it has, in what's been interesting about it is that it's been this very organic thing, where, and that's what's felt like, I don't know, almost a mystery, like, I can't, I can't give anybody, oh I'm like, here's your three step guide to doing this. Because it's sort of like, and I've talked about this, I don't know if you feel this way. But I think of Try Softer, almost like a child. Like as I was writing, it was like, I was pregnant with this story, and this, and these words in this book, and it was, and it was hard. I mean, near the end the editing process. I mean, I, I really sat with my words, I really, especially wanting to come from a trauma-informed perspective, especially because this isn't something that's really been done very much in the Christian space. I wrestled with just about every single word that was published there. So it wasn't, you know, I know for some people, like they're like, "Oh, it happened, and it just flew off my fingertips. And it was so easy." I was like, that's beautiful. That was not my experience. My editors, bless their hearts, they were like, you know, there were certain chapters, they were like, "This is helpful. It feels a very, like, clinical... can, is there a way you can talk about this differently?" And so I would sit with it, how can I talk about this differently? How can I make it more accessible? And I share that because you know that those those moments those times, even honestly, the tears of like, okay, God, how am I going to do this? While literally trying to raise my little two kids who need me so much while doing... being the work of a trauma survivor, just being a person. I mean, let's be honest, it's hard to be a person. Let alone, any of the other things.

Jonathan Puddle  09:52

It's hard to be a person right now. I mean, it's probably hard to always be a person.

Aundi Kolber  09:56

Yes, and I think we're gonna we should talk about that because it is always been hard to be a person. But like right now, I mean, it's like next level hard to be a person but, but I guess I just share, like, I think it's been an investment of my heart, my energy, my hope. And I probably even have told you this, but Try Softer was really the book that I wish that I had had when I was really on, like early on in my journey. And so I wrote from that place, because this is, if I could be with a trauma survivor, or even someone who maybe doesn't even identify as a trauma survivor, they just don't understand why they're so stuck.

Jonathan Puddle  10:39

Right. Right.

Aundi Kolber  10:40

This is what I would tell you. And so I kind of approached it, like, this is my shot, you know, this is it. And, and so, it has been, it has floored me, it has at times overwhelmed me. Um, especially as we go through this pandemic, I have had less resources in terms of childcare and time and my own bandwidth, my own, you know, trauma history, all those things. But that's where, for me, honestly, like the faith element. I just, I can't help but see like, it is so, it helps me to rest in this reality that it's not all mine... to, to carry. Like, this is what I can offer. And it's my deep prayer that it is a... you know that it's a bridge that it's a lifeboat that it's something. But I don't... I am not like I none of us can carry each other totally.

Jonathan Puddle  11:44

No.

Aundi Kolber  11:46

And that we have a God who can hold things that I can never even imagine to be able to hold. And I don't want to say that like at some this like spiritual bypassing, like, things aren't hard, like, like, it's not like that, but more like an actual resource to say: I really do have actual limits. There's truly only so much I can do and I am... it is a profound resource for me to know that there is something bigger than me.

Jonathan Puddle  12:19

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  12:20

That can hold the bigness, the fullness of this time, of this pain, of our humanity.

Jonathan Puddle  12:29

Yes. Yes, I love that so much. I've been I've been chewing over that as you know in the last couple of years as as my understanding of trauma has shaped my theology and reshaped my theology in myriad ways and that that what you just said about this bigness of God has become really key for me in understanding... like okay, so we just became foster parents. So we we took in a little girl and you know she has a lot of love need and a lot of fear and she's young and she doesn't fully understand what's happening and and I have these times where I'm like, "Oh man, gotta work hard gotta like make it safe, got to like nurture, I got to do all these things." And that's fine. Then I have other times where I'm like, Okay, yeah, this this is a this is a wonderful little being that God has known for longer than I have, for longer than her bio family have. And God has always been caring for this little one. And for the present time, I get the honor and the privilege of participating to some degree in what what... in God's good work in this child's life. And that's not spiritual bypassing because that participation is painful and costly and leaves me sore and tired and heartsick and angry, but I don't feel abandoned, I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel like, Oh, if if somebody else is here, they're just going to mess her up, if somebody... like no one's going to love her as good as me. Like, it helps me cut off all that kind of stuff because like you just said, I'm not holding it all. There's a there's a bigger... hands and heart, that sometimes I get to participate with.

Aundi Kolber  14:27

Yes, oh man, I the word participation has become really important to me. Because that's so much the lens through which I view all of this work. You know, with Try Softer I talk about compassionate attention. And I think at its at its core, that's that's participation that stewarding. It's not that I you know, there's always this like, Am I enough? Am I not enough? Like all these things? And it's always like, it's not I think for me, I'm like, that's not asking. It's not the right question. It depends on the context. Um, for me, it's always about Like, you know, in some situations like I have the resources to steward and do things because God just he embedded that in my body, but sometimes I absolutely need to tap in to the bigness, to the fullness. And from like a neuro, you know, neurobiological perspective, what I love, because I have to geek out a little bit. You know, it's like thinking about our nervous systems, like we have a container, right? And so sort of like, that's the window of tolerance, however big your container is, is your window. Once you go outside of that, you know, you go into your stress or your trauma response. But what's so cool... is that how we know that when we're in the presence of an attuned, safe other, including the God of the universe, that can expand that container.

Jonathan Puddle  15:56

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  15:57

And holy moly. I mean, when you sit with that, that's a big deal. You know, and that, and I think that's the thing I think about in participation. God, give me eyes to see that you're right here, that you invite me to be with you, that you are working it to good, not to bypass the pain. In fact, we have to work with the pain, frankly, to be able to heal. But yeah, it's such a it's such an interesting dance. Because I think sometimes certain language can sound that the same, right? But in practice, in orthopraxy, if you will...

Jonathan Puddle  16:43

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  16:43

...very different.

Jonathan Puddle  16:44

And then I think you feel it in your body, right? You feel it in your guts, when you walk into church, or wherever you encounter someone on the street. And their response is, is a refusal to participate in your life and energy in any way. And they can be saying words that sound very like "Hey, yeah, we should definitely get lunch sometime. Oh, yeah. Well tell me how are your kids?" And yet, you're kind of like, but you don't care. And so first of all, like, can I just release you from that heavy burden of needing to pretend that you care for me? If you don't care... I have other friends. Let's just be honest.

Aundi Kolber  17:29

Yes.

Jonathan Puddle  17:30

What I loved about living in Finland, because they don't care for that pretense. They're like, Oh, no, I have friends. You have friends, too. That's... we're all fine here.

Aundi Kolber  17:38

That's hilarious.

Jonathan Puddle  17:39

North America should take some of that. Okay. Okay. Another question relating to this. I don't have the question formulated. But basically, it seems to me as I've got, yes, here we go. You were talking about how intentional you were with every word in the book. And, and I encountered the same, especially as... let's call myself a hobbyist, trauma care person, I have no qualifications whatsoever beyond reading other people's books, and the Holy Spirit, and doing my own work. I too, was being very cautious and careful with my words, and thankful to you and many other people who read it and like, let's tweak this. And but what I have been thinking, is that like to do the work well, it's slow. It's just slow. And, and, and how much... how much of that is just because I'm not a professional? And I'm interested to know from from your thoughts, is this actually, this, this kind of "how to be a human, how to be a person, how to move with compassion for self and others"... Is that actually a fundamentally slow work, that will always be a slow work, that our entire society needs to figure out how to move slow, like a Sabbath-level societal change?

Aundi Kolber  19:03

Hmm. Oh, great question. Um, I, you know, I think there's layers to that. So the first layer is looking at through the trauma lens in particular. There's a saying in trauma work, and I don't know who to credit it to, but it's that fast is slow. Like in in trauma work, or Yeah, and slow is fast. "Slow is fast," is the actual quote, my apologies. But this idea that especially with like complex trauma, complicated trauma, if you barge in there, right? Like you go there, hear somebody's story, and it has lots of, you know, significant woundings and traumas and you just barge in there, like, let me fix that patch that up real quick. You will almost certainly re traumatize that person.

Jonathan Puddle  19:53

Right.

Aundi Kolber  19:54

So I think that's the first layer. And it's not just about the slowness, though. Right, it's slowness with intention. Really, it's slowness with the intention of building safety. With with with orienting to the hear & now. That, you know that God willing, if as the trauma is then in the past, helping a person's body come into alignment with the reality that that trauma is now over, and how can we help the parts of themselves that are still traumatized come, both move through the pain, but also come into alignment with the reality of what's true now. Right? So that's sort of it from a trauma lens, that's how I interpret that. However, there's totally a bridge with all of this. And I think this is why this is one of the things that has lit me up this last couple years, is that it makes me sad when people like for example, if they hear trauma, they're like, "Psshh, I'm good, I don't have trauma, so I'm just gonna disengage." Which is why I started to use the language of trauma-informed partly to see if there's, is there a is there more language to say it's, it's not just about even the traumas, maybe you can identify. And even now, I mean, I still appreciate the trauma-informed language, but I even begin to, to think of it more through the language of it's this, we're talking about nervous system work. Everyone has a nervous system, which again, then is the bridge for me that Jesus had a nervous system.

Jonathan Puddle  21:32

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  21:32

Jesus, you know, the incarnation, like I hope I never get over the incarnation. Like I don't want to get over that. Because to me, like the bridges here are profound, right? We started this trauma piece. But all that we're saying is that a trauma, trauma survivor has a traumatized nervous system. But but a, any person has a nervous system, and any person has, really, frankly, the possibility of becoming traumatized. And when we begin to learn, how we were created, how God created us, and how we're designed to feel and be fully human, which I believe is what Jesus modeled for us...

Jonathan Puddle  22:19

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  22:20

...is the framework for what it means to also in many ways, both be resilient to trauma, meaning you could go through something hard. And if you have, you know, support and resources, it will at least minimize the impact it maybe won't take it away. So I guess I just say that, like in the sense of it is I think it is slow work. But it's good work. And it's good work in the sense of like, we're practicing just being alive, we're practicing being in our bodies. We're practicing engaging the currency of connection and co-regulation. And I'm sure most of your listeners because they know you are familiar with trauma, you know, and much of your language around that. But this is how these things all connect together. Because that dance of safety and co-regulation and connection is the pathway to healing.

Jonathan Puddle  23:26

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  23:27

For all of us, whatever, whatever extent, like whether that's just whether that stress, whether that's little-t trauma, whether that's interpersonal trauma, whether that's shock trauma, whether it's PTSD, and certainly there's nuance there, right? Like, I don't want to slap a bandaid. Like it's all the same. It's not. But there is an essential-ness.

Jonathan Puddle  23:48

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  23:49

To our humanity. And that's the invitation.

Jonathan Puddle  23:53

Yes

Aundi Kolber  23:54

That when we can see that. We then don't have to disengage and be like, Oh, that's only for trauma survivors, right? Like No, but like, but we are interconnected. And we share so much that it really matters that we learn essentially what it means to be human.

Jonathan Puddle  24:12

Certainly. Well and yeah, I mean, just like, "Have you never lost control once in your life?" Is that what you're telling me? Like Have you never ever spun out? Because if you ever have you have experienced moving outside your window of tolerance. Sounds like something useful for us all to know about.

Aundi Kolber  24:31

That's right. And that's why I love and it's been so that you know, earlier you asked about the Try Softer... all everything, one of the most satisfying things for me to see is people using that language of window of tolerance. And, and it's I mean, this is not mine, you know, Dan, Dr. Dan Siegel, Stephen Porges. But when I learned about that, and when I began to teach my clients about it, I mean, it changed my life.

Jonathan Puddle  24:55

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  24:56

It gave me a framework and it also helped to normalize... this, it helped me feel more connected to other humans, not less.

Jonathan Puddle  25:04

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  25:05

It made me as a trauma survivor be like, "Oh, well then that makes sense. Your body has had to be in hyper arousal and hypo arousal a lot of your life because that's how you coped. Okay." You know, like? And it just gave such context. So all that to say, I just wanted to add that because, yes, the window of tolerance piece is huge.

Jonathan Puddle  25:26

Okay, I have a guilty question that I just want to pick your brain on. And then I want to hear about the workbook.  We'll take a very quick pause to give a shout out to my patrons, thank you to everybody who supports the show via Patreon. You guys make this possible, you keep me encouraged, love the community that we have there, and the discussions. So big love to all of you who chip in monthly, annually, whatever your setup is, thank you so much. Thank you, as well, to everybody who follows me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, I love the interactions. I love the comments. Go give me a follow @JonathanPuddle, if you're not already doing so. Big love to Mark who is my latest supporter on Patreon. Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to the show.  This is something I'm just kind of chewing through right now, and I asked my therapist this question, and he refused to answer it because he's my therapist. And he said, "That's not what this relationship is about." And I said, damn! And he, yeah, he just said, you know, "Oh, Jonathan, that sounds like an important question to you." And I said, "Get out of here with your therapist talk." Jesus and trauma. I've got two alternate possibilities in my head, and there may be many other possibilities. One is Jesus experienced traumatic events, and they traumatized him, just as they would traumatize most of us. Betray... the death of your father, betrayal, abandonment by your closest friends, let alone an agonizing, torturous death. Option Two, again, then there may be more than two options here. Option Two, is if we add a little bit of attachment here, and we consider that Jesus may have had a level of attachment with his Father, that to what you were kind of alluding to earlier, could kind of ameliorate or soften some of the effects of those traumatic events, to the point where we might be able to say, actually, Jesus never moved outside his nervous system's ability to cope, because of the supports that he, his nervous system had, even if we say as a member of the Trinity, who was also somehow human. Do you have any thoughts that come to mind?

Aundi Kolber  27:45

Oh, my gosh, I actually have so many, but I'm first curious to hear your hear your thoughts.

Jonathan Puddle  27:51

Okay, I, I haven't settled it yet, for myself. That's why I am still asking everybody, I would tend to lean to the second one. The idea that what Jesus experienced didn't push him outside of his mental, physical, biological window, all of those things. Because of his connection with the Father, because of the attunement, all of those things that we can think about, if this is actually a triune being who is also one with the Father and Spirit, who are pouring love into him. That.. I can see a really hope-filled picture, as well as like, Okay, let me show you a kind of humanity that can endure horrifically hard things and remain human.

Aundi Kolber  28:47

Mhhmm.

Jonathan Puddle  28:48

I can see beautiful hope there. I can also see a beautiful, hopeful solidarity for Jesus saying, "Oh, yeah, I went through a bunch of terrible things. And I hated it. And it was traumatizing. And I died!"

Aundi Kolber  29:01

Yeah.

Jonathan Puddle  29:02

"And surprise, I'm alive again." So I can see, the, I can see the gospel in both. Put it that way.

Aundi Kolber  29:10

Yeah, I love this question. And it's actually something I think about, I will say, I'm not completely settled, either. But I would say it's, I actually think it's a mixture of the both. And here's where... This is, and so this is my working theory. So just take this with a grain of salt for whoever's listening, what I have been chewing on personally, actually, which is why it's so funny that you asked this question because I actually do think about this. Um, I believe that Jesus, probably I think that there is evidence, maybe not evidence that's too strong of a word. I think it would make sense in the context of what we know about what happened, that Jesus would be, at least somewhat outside of his window of tolerance, if we're just going to use like that language. And what I think about that is that perhaps it, but here's where the second part comes in. I think that Jesus absolutely experienced events that were trauma... that had traumatic energy, meaning, the bigness, like of the situation, the context would make sense to experience trauma.

Jonathan Puddle  30:29

Sure.

Aundi Kolber  30:30

And I think that Jesus did have resources that we didn't, don't always have. I mean, namely being God. But, but also like what we talked about earlier, like how that capacity grows...

Jonathan Puddle  30:50

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  30:51

As we tap into the presence, the attunement, the goodness, the fullness of God, and that perhaps Jesus being who Jesus is, and was, had an even more clear access to that.

Jonathan Puddle  31:05

Yes, right.

Aundi Kolber  31:06

The way that I then theorize it is that things may have felt, it's kind of like he was going through a tsunami of pain.

Jonathan Puddle  31:16

Sure.

Aundi Kolber  31:18

But I theorize that like, but he had the internal resources—this is where I'd lean again, I don't know for sure—to metabolize the pain in a way that maybe we don't always.

Jonathan Puddle  31:31

Sure.

Aundi Kolber  31:33

And so I guess, just saying that, like, I think that experience had, like, it was, by definition, if Jesus had lived and walked away, and was like, I have PTSD, it's like, that would make sense.

Jonathan Puddle  31:47

Of course, right.

Aundi Kolber  31:48

And I think that those internal resources may have allowed him to move through something that really, I don't know that any of us could move through, without experiencing trauma from. Um, and so it's like, I think about Jesus, like, it's like this, in a weird way, it's like, there's like this, there's this metabolization, there's this alchemy of pain that's happening. And so I mean, I think that's my working theory right now. And I would just add with, like, with the first situation, that either way, I think it was solidarity.

Jonathan Puddle  32:32

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  32:33

Either way. There was no shame. Either way. Those of us who experience trauma, there is no shame either.

Jonathan Puddle  32:45

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  32:46

And even when our bodies can't tap into the resources, to move through the pain, that there is nothing... it's not a lack of faith. And I mean, I know you would agree with this. But it's like, it's not a lack of faith. It's not a lack of not like doing enough or being prepared enough. There are some things that are just too much.

Jonathan Puddle  33:11

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  33:12

And it's actually the grace of God. It is the grace of God, that we have trauma responses, because it allows us to move through that in a way that at least that protects some parts of our psyche. So we don't have to constantly be touching that pain.

Jonathan Puddle  33:30

Yes.

Aundi Kolber  33:31

So long, long answer to that. But I think it's a great question and one I will be continuing to think about.

Jonathan Puddle  33:41

I love those thoughts, that's great. Dr. Jerome Lubbe, says, you know, fear isn't sinful. Fear is what God gave you to stay alive.

Aundi Kolber  33:51

That's right.

Jonathan Puddle  33:52

How could it be sinful? You know, and, and so, consequently, and also just true on its own. I mean, being wounded isn't sinful. Pain isn't sinful... though, obviously much pain that is caused to us we should call out as sin. But...

Aundi Kolber  34:12

Yes.

Jonathan Puddle  34:13

But being victimized by pain is not that sinful. Being "not whole" because of what has happened to you is not sinful.

Aundi Kolber  34:25

Yeah,

Jonathan Puddle  34:25

yeah.

Aundi Kolber  34:26

Yeah.

Jonathan Puddle  34:27

Thank you. I'm gonna keep pondering this. Alright, anyway, so I want to hear about the workbook. It looks beautiful. I saw some photos. It looks super great. It looks like you sat down with Morgan Harper Nichols, and she just designed every page for you. Whether that's true. Tell me all about it.

Aundi Kolber  34:47

Yes. Oh my gosh, well, first, thank you so much. I know it's our designer Eva. She kind of collaborated with Morgan Harper Nichols for Try Softer, but Eva is a phenomenal artist and she did all of like the various, you know, designs within it, and I am... when I got it, so I got it, I only have one right now. But um, I got it in the mail last week, and I absolutely started crying. Because this has been like for so many people, a phenomenally hard year. And this was sort of the thing that, you know, this was my, this was my thing that I was working on during this time and, and there were times when I was like, holy moly, I don't know, like, if I could sort of do this? Because it just feels so big and, and so I'm so proud, like I'm proud of what it is. And even, you know I me doing the best I could to be kind to myself in the process. Um, but yeah, so the guided journey, it's the full the full title is The Try Softer Guided Journey: A Soulful Companion to Healing. And the vision for this is, has been that I wanted it to be one of the things I actually say in the introduction is that I don't typically like workbooks. I am not usually a kind of a workbook person. I am an Enneagram Four, I kind of want to do things my own way, I tend to be very, like, actually, I'm just gonna do this. And so but one of the things I say it part of it for me is that it doesn't always lend itself to a lot of flexibility. So what I tried to do in the guided journey is take the principles of Try Softer, like I would combine like chapters one and two. And then we made a section and really built on some of the themes of it. And in doing that, the the goal is to like deepen what folks are already learning. Like, that's really my hope. I mean, I've had so many people be like, I'm reading Try Softer for the third time, you know, and like, which is so cool, like, believe me when I say that's amazing. Um, and it's sort of like my desires been, okay, like, how else can I resource people? How can I empower my readers to just continue to build on what they're learning. And so the way I tried to do that is it really is more like a journey than a journal. There's like a body-centered section, there's a section just for art, there's a section, there is a section just for journaling, there is a section that is for groups if, if that's something that folks want to do, or you could do, you know, on your own, but I tried to approach it like, similar to Try Softer, where it's not just like, "Hey, here's some knowledge." And it's much more like, "Hey, you are a person. Let's honor the fullness of what's coming up for you as you move through, Try Softer." And so and I actually recorded videos to go along with this which are going to be on my website, AundiKolber.com/videos, so I'm really excited about that. Because, you know, I think of this like, like, it's so fun to be able to hand someone something, it's like a piece of clay. That's what it reminds me of, here's your piece of clay. Okay, you make, like what you want to see out of that clay, like you fashion that into the thing that you're needing right now. Like I can give you the clay, here you go, like, here's a little more clay. And I can tell you, you know, like a little bit about how this might work or the best practices. But I love to empower folks. And I think you know, that's my deep hope for this, for this guided journey.

Jonathan Puddle  38:48

That's so good. If so if somebody has already read Try Softer. Should they read it again with this? Do they not need to read again, they can just do the journal, on the guidebook on its own. If somebody hasn't read Try Softer, should they get both right off the bat? Like kind of who...

Aundi Kolber  39:06

Great questions. Yeah. I think if you've read Try Softer, I think it's totally up to you. I mean, I know one of the things that I've joked about is like Try Softer was like herding cats because there's just a lot of different ideas. So if that feels I know for many people, that reading it again sometimes can be helpful, just because, you know, we we absorb knowledge on like different levels. And you know, so I think that you can do that, but it's not necessary. In the Try Softer Guided Journey, like there are certain times when I'll refer to Try Softer, but I'll give page numbers and like, like I give context. So you know, if you don't have the time or the energy to do that, I try to set it up in such a way that you really can approach the guided journey more from a like, okay, where are we going? You know, um. For folks who have not read Try Softer, what I have said is, you know, I think it will be the guided journey will be, I think, probably most helpful and most effective if you read Try Softer first. However, there are a few folks who've asked me like, can you just do it a standalone? And I think that it's one of those things where you could, but there are probably a few concepts, like just like a few things that will not be as clear or won't make sense or like I'll like be referring to his page numbers, things like that. And if you don't have, haven't read, Try Softer, it's going to be a little bit more clear. And then the last thing is, is absolutely, I'd love for folks to order them at the same time, I think in some ways, with a book I know many people were like, right, you know, writing all over their book and all that things. So what's cool about if you are doing it the same time, you may actually have a little bit more space to process as you go. So that may be a helpful way to do it.

Jonathan Puddle  41:06

Hmm, that's great. That's smart. I'm excited. I don't I don't actually own a copy of Try Softer anymore, because they keep giving given away. And it's like, I like I quote from it. I recommend it to people, it's like, I would be very, very surprised if any book has sold more than Try Softer from my influence. Like it. You know what I like? Obviously, other people have. Okay, that was, that came out of my mouth awkwardly. What I'm trying to say is,

Aundi Kolber  41:34

No, I understand, yeah...

Jonathan Puddle  41:36

...all the products that people buy as a result of Jonathan Puddle's recommendations, surely Try Softer, is like second first or second behind my book. Either way, I have been really looking forward to getting a copy of the guided journey. So that I can, like be re go back through it. Because again, I I had read it, I think even rapidly because I was just trying to digest it and be like, Yes, I, I will brag about this book and not be a total liar. That's my integrity. Sometimes it's difficult to maintain. See, that's funny that you said as a four you like to kind of go at your own way. As a two, I'm like, "Ohh but someone put a lot of work into this. I should really read every single page. And the credits. And the acknowledgments. And the copyright page."

Aundi Kolber  42:28

You know, it's so funny, because you know how Fours can go to Two, I definitely can understand that energy. I really can... and but it is interesting, like my natural inclination. Like just from like my more of a centered, my natural inclination is like, I'll kind of figure it out, like how I want to do it.

Jonathan Puddle  42:46

I think also, being a male who's done many DIY projects has steered me away from figuring it out myself, because they have been costly mistakes... Anyway. Aundi, what would you leave us with? Were What do yeah, I mean, we're kind of some of us are coming out of COVID. Some of us are still in the thick of it. It's still a weird world, it's still a political world, it's still a world full of pain and confusion and division. My church is a mess, you know, all these things?

Aundi Kolber  43:20

Yeah, so real.

Jonathan Puddle  43:21

What are you doing every day? To keep you human?

Aundi Kolber  43:27

I love that, um, that question. Well, one of the things... so I definitely don't have a ton of free time, I'll just say that just based off of the season of life. But one thing that I do just about every day, is I do like a guided self compassion. And I typically do like I use Insight Timer, I tend to really like the work of pretty much Sarah Blondin. She does a lot with self compassion. So that's one thing I actually I actually do, like listen in the shower. Because I don't... again, I don't have like a ton of time, but it's a it's like an anchoring practice for me. Um, and honestly, for me, that's really come to be sort of like, again, you know, talking about that stewarding piece of like, this is God's posture towards me. So that is something I do just about every single day. And then the other piece is I umm, I go on a lot of walks, I do I sometimes I'll like jog or run but walks and being outside for me is essential. Like, I, it allows me... being a very body centered therapist, and really that's my work as a trauma survivor is to be with my body. So much of what I do, comes back to like listening and, and working with and really being flexible with my nervous system. And so I love to listen to worship music and go on walks like thats, I call it like, it's resourcing exercise where, you know, when we have bilateral stimulation, it intensifies whatever we're experiencing. So that's true, like if you're, if you're having a hard time, that can be true, but so this is why like, with something like walking, if you can do things that help make you feel more like yourself, that help connect to hope. Um, that is a really important piece for me of even like my faith, to be able to be outside and move and it's like it and it makes it feel alive in my body. Which is become just such a precious thing for me. So those are probably my top two.

Jonathan Puddle  45:39

And then you're saying double it up. So walk and listen to worship music or whatever it is that...

Aundi Kolber  45:46

Yeah, like sometimes I'll do...

Jonathan Puddle  45:47

Add a secondary medium, kind of...

Aundi Kolber  45:49

Yeah, and I mean, there's so many different ways like sometimes a walking meditation in and of itself can be good, just paying attention to the ground and around you. But I really something that I personally do is I tend to listen to worship music then. Because it allows me to tap into it in a different way. Or if it's like just an a song that helps me tap into my courage or my you know, like, what, I kind of think like, "Okay, what is it I'm needing today?" Like, what's the thing? And music is a big part of that support for me.

Jonathan Puddle  46:25

Yes, yes. Today's A Rage Against the Machine day, Jonathan. Yes, it is. Yes, sir.

Aundi Kolber  46:32

Yes.

Jonathan Puddle  46:34

Well, thank you Aundi so much for sharing all this with us. Would you, would you pray for us?

Aundi Kolber  46:38

I'd love to. Yeah. God, thanks so much for this time. Thanks for the power of connection, even over a Zoom call. I just I pray for every person that might be listening. I pray that, that you would meet them right where they're at, that they would know in a real and felt way their belovedness. Help us God empower us to love our neighbor as ourselves. In your name. Amen.

Jonathan Puddle  47:14

Amen. How about that? Thank you, Aundi. Friends, head over to JonathanPuddle.com and you'll find the show notes for this episode, you'll find a link to order The Try Softer Guided Journey: A Soulful Companion to Healing. There'll be links to Aundi's website and her social media and so on, of course, and you'll also find the transcription for this episode if you would like to read it. Thank you so much for being here. Make sure you're subscribed on Spotify or iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget about the Patreon B-Side to this episode. This episode's discussion is with my wife Maija. So we have a lot of fun unpacking trauma thoughts, especially like regarding our marriage, because you know, like your window of tolerance is like a really important understanding for married life. So you'll find that on patreon.com/JonathanPuddle. Much love, talk to you next week!