Deconstruction is a valuable part of the renewing of our minds but no one wants to live in a construction zone. How do you raise your children in faith when you’re not even sure what you believe about God yourself anymore? Here are my 4 tips for discipling your kids while you’re deconstructing.

We recently entertained a bunch of 9-10 year old boys for my eldest son’s birthday party. We had planned to take them all to a virtual reality arcade and as we were loading everyone into our SUV I ran into a dilemma: one of the parents had dropped off a booster seat for their son. The problem was not that the other boys needed booster seats as well, but that only one did. How was I to get that booster seat installed without drawing attention to the fact that he was the only one who needed it, and risk the kid getting made fun of?

Controlling access to certain privileges is one of the most useful tools for healthy parental discipline. By intentionally using things our kids want to help foster responsibility and delayed gratification, you can help your children develop resilience and self-regulation. This is very different from simply taking things away when our kids make us angry.

Much of our limited view of ourselves and our potential is due to the way we were disciplined as children and the bad theology underpinning it. To help parents raise their standard I’ve introduced the concept of un-discipline: parenting that is rooted in the self-sacrificial love of God. Here are 8 practical tips on how sacrificial parenting can be done on a day-to-day basis.

What if my kid is loud and boisterous? What if my kid is emotional and standoffish? What if my kid is an annoying handful?

And what if nothing needs to change? I believe we can become the kind of parents who see the hidden, inner beauty of our children, and who choose to ignore the outer chaos. I’m not talking about letting a child hurt someone and just smiling about it. I am talking about present, strategic, engaged parenting that knows when to not sweat the small stuff, and when to dive in and help a little person become a big person on the inside.

Your child storms off to their bedroom. You try and control your breathing. You’re both angry. You’re both back here again. But what if what you chose to do in this moment was the turning point for your relationship? What if you didn’t leave them alone for time-out, but joined them instead for time-in? What if your anger could be transformed into commitment to do whatever it takes to restore your child?

There are five languages of punishment that we naturally gravitate towards, each of which are uniquely damaging to the heart of a child. Rather than hold up a warning sign or place a healthy boundary marker, by punishing we exert power over a child, which wounds their heart. Thankfully, there are alternatives!

While God has every right to punish us, he instead took the punishment upon his own self, scandalizing himself with the love that he has shown us. Why would he do this? Because our eternal purpose is to be loved by God. Since God has loved us, we can now reflect that to our children. Consequently, fully engaged intimacy with our children is the single most effective method of behavioural correction we will ever find. We can provide no better preparation for a life of loving God, than by setting this stage of intentional, loving, un-discipline. What our children need is to be honoured by us, to be served by us, to be 100% engaged by us.

Here’s a new Puddcast B-Side, unpacking idol smashing and how to create a welcoming, forgiving space as we deconstruct from toxic theology. My pastor, Amy Ryan, joined Tryphena and I to discuss our takeaways from Brad Jersak’s thoughts on the necessity, perils and possibilities of deconstruction, including how painful and confusing it can be for us in the midst of it. We examined our own parenting in light of power dynamics, and how each revival or movement in the church or culture persecutes the one that comes next. As usual, there’s loads in here.

Here’s the latest Puddcast B-Side, exploring themes of laughter and silliness and the value of everything, from our interview with Dave Connis. When Dave said, “Everything counts” something inside me exploded, or clarified, or whatever… it’s been big for me. Tryphena and I discuss finding joy in all things, redefining joy as a valuable part of serious work, and discerning what will and won’t bring joy. We riff on learning to see all the mundane aspects of our lives (especially as parents) not as surplus to the real work but as the real work, as much as our rest is also a valid part of the real work, because it’s all part of the whole life we’re living. We also touched on accepting our bodies, even as they age, and loads more as usual.

Children’s and Young Adult author Dave Connis comes to The Puddcast to teach us the importance of laughter (and more). Dave’s hilarious and meaningful storybooks, The Inventions of God (and Eva), and The Stories of God (and Kiki) both captured our affection in a big way. We reflected on being intentional about the stories we tell our children and what we pass on to them; seeing ourselves within the continuum of generations before and after ourselves; how God invites all the parts of ourselves to co-creation; and more. If you’re a human being make sure to have a listen, and if you have kids, grandkids or nieces & nephews, make sure to grab his books from the links below.

I’m joined this week by my good friends Marc & Tryphena Gagnon, who share their story so far raising their multiracial family. Marc is of French Canadian heritage and Tryphena’s family is from India, and they have learned a lot about one another and themselves as they raise their mixed-race children to understand and own their racial identities and engage with the world around them in compassion and love.

Jamie Sumner is a writer and novelist whose latest non-fiction book, Eat, Sleep, Save the World: Words of Encouragement for the Special Needs Parent released the first week of widespread COVID-19 lockdown. Jamie joined me on the Puddcast to talk about letting go of parenting guilt, being present in the moment day-by-day, rethinking our priorities and leaning into God for resilience. If you’re a parent or someone looking after children, there’s hope for in here.

This week I am joined by Courtney Burg AKA Mombojombo, to talk about everything to do with trauma-informed parenting. We touched on boundaries, safety, self-regulation, rewiring your own brain, tantrums, and changing your parenting to reflect the unconditional love of God. Even if you’re not a parent, there’s something in here for you!

Shane Pruitt is a blogger and evangelist, who, along with his wife Kasi have 5 kids—3 through adoption. Kasi oversees the Adoption & Foster Care Ministry at Lake Pointe church, and Shane, who is also the Director of Evangelism for The Southern Baptists of Texas Convention, joined me for a broad ranging discussion on authenticity, personal hardship, adoption, God’s sovereignty, and rethinking God’s will for your life. We also discussed his book, “9 Common Lies Christians Believe - And Why God’s Truth is Infinitely Better,” which he explained was the fruit of hearing too many bad Christian clichés during some of the hardest times of their life.

Natalie Frisk oversees the curriculum development for kids from birth to high school at The Meeting House (think Bruxy Cavey). She joined me on The Puddcast to talk about parenting and discipleship of children, especially in a context of deconstruction. How do you raise kids to care about faith when you’re busy cleaning up the junk in your own spiritual life? Natalie had many amazing and insightful things to share.

Krista DuChene is a Canadian Olympian and 2nd fastest Canadian marathon runner, with 3 young kids. We discussed how her faith in God has been woven into every season of her life and running career, and propelled her through incredible setbacks.

Seth Dahl is a writer and worldwide speaker to adults and children, known for his powerful wisdom and contagious childlike joy. We discussed the idea of parents being the first pastor in a kid's life, and how to rebuild children's church ministry around the family.