What to look for in a church

Here's an amusing article found by the legendary Gaza himself. To be honest, I don't know if I would really want my church packed with sexy ladies, I think things would just be too distracting.

But it would definitely be cool to have a little moment of understanding like that with a pastor. I've had moments like that when I've been inside a mascot costume (used to work for a baby clothing line) and I've meet another mascot. You both know, that you don't know if the other one is a guy or a girl, but you know that you're both tired, and you're getting sick of hugging kids, and you're terrified that you will drop the baby that you're holding.

Anyway, you don't know what I'm talking about. Read.

I'd like pews that are more like the theater seats...you know, where you can raise or lower the armrests and even recline a little. I'd really like that.
I want to feel appreciated. Maybe a statue in my honor...or just a simple plaque on the wall. I think a personalized parking place may be a little much, but it would help me to feel appreciated.
Again, I'd still like to see more sexy people in churches. Like, is there a supermodel church or something? That would really be my kind of thing. Actually, it could just be sexy women. I don't really want my wife (who is a sexy woman) looking at sexy men...especially during church.
Fewer anouncements. I mean, did Jesus make anouncements? I don't think that's WWJD material. Heck, let's just go with no anouncements. That's probably a more Scriptural approach.
Some type of free work-out facility. Gyms these days cost too much money. That's my excuse. I'm certain that if I had a church that had a free work-out facility I would actually do it and be a healthier person. That would also help me to fit in with the other sexy church goers.
I want a pastor who understands me. That would probably lead to him appreciating me more (see above desire). And that way when he's preaching he could look at me and we could exchange those knowing glances...maybe even wink at each other. YOu know, like we've got some kind of inside joke.
Some type of chocolate covered almond candy...I really like chocolate and almonds.
Also... fewer people that I don't like. People I don't like bug me.
Donuts - The good kind. With the frosting put on just right. To much glaze makes me sick and distracts me from worshipping properly. Bagels might be a better alternative to the sexy church... but if there is a free work out room I can always spend a few more minutes on the stairmaster.
Excitement - I think there should be hand clapping, people who don't like hand clapping need to lighten up. Hand clapping may be the sole reason God gave us hands. That and the Michealangelo painting on the ceiling of that one place over in that foreign place. Yes enthusiasm is important. as long as noone gets to happy. I dont want any blues brothers churches services.

I also think that there's a benefit to spending money to go to the gym, cause then you are more motivated to go to that gym, so as the money doesn't go to waste. But, I don't know. Gyms are very expensive.

What if you went to the gym and had a trainer named Jim? Or even, The Jim. Hahaha, what a crazy guy he would have to be.